step eleven

Handing over...

noreply@blogger.com (bpresent) — Sun, 31 Aug 2008 09:44:00 +0000

At some point each and every day, I hand my will and my life over to a power greater than myself.

On bad days it is when I am at last wrestled into sleep.

Life is a privilege not a right

noreply@blogger.com (bpresent) — Tue, 28 Feb 2006 13:44:00 +0000

Normal people wont relate to this... but anyway... One of the most amazing things I have learnt in the last few years (in my 40s mind you) is that it's okay not to want to do something.

I seem to have grown up (or not) believing that when there was something I didn't want to do, such as clean the house or wash sheets etc, there was something wrong with me if I didn't get some sense of satisfaction from doing it.

I have learnt that it's okay to not want to do stuff - and I've learnt to just do it anyway.

It works - it really does

noreply@blogger.com (bpresent) — Mon, 23 Jan 2006 00:30:00 +0000

"As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day "Thy will be done." We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.

"It works - it really does.

"We alcoholics are undisciplined. So we let God discipline us in the simple way we have just outlined."

On reading this I was reminded of something I've heard about prayer in AA many times. That is, that it's okay to pray for something specific so long as you tack on the back "...if it be Thy will."

That has never fit very well with me.

Put simply, I don't trust myself - not in that sense anyway. I suspect that if do pray for something specific I have an agenda that, regardless of how nobly I want to package it, I will still try to get a certain outcome.

Anyway, look for the similarities not the differences.... and stop taking other's inventories....

On a more positive footing and back on the subject, I don't necessarily practice this concisously. I do, however, often say The Serenity Prayer, a 3rd Step Prayer or simply sigh and/or count to ten.

Of course I do not do this perfectly in all circumstances by a long shot. But when I do the rewards are as stated: mor efficient, more energy (less being wasted on resentment) etc.

"Carrying a resentment is like drinking poison, hoping my enemy will die."

If circumstances warrant...

noreply@blogger.com (bpresent) — Thu, 06 Oct 2005 03:15:00 +0000

"If circumstances warrant, we ask our wives or friends to join us in morning meditation. If we belong to a religious denomination which requires a definite morning devotion, we attend to that also. If not members of religious bodies, we sometimes select and memorize a few set prayers which emphasize the principles we have been discussing. There are many helpful books also. Suggestions about these may be obtained from one's priest, minister, or rabbi. Be quick to see where religious people are right. Make use of what they offer."

Pass.

I have a two year old son and I work 9 to 5 - I reckon that qualifies me at the moment as being one whose cicumstances generally do no warrant. I also do not belong to a religious denomination.

However, I have memorised a few set prayers, one in particular which, for me anyway, emphasises "the principles we have been discussing", the 3rd step prayer. Not to mention the catch all phrase (sometimes said in exasperation) "They Will Not Mine"

I guess another point worth noting:

"There are many helpful books also."

This is probably truer today than it was when this was written. There are a wealth of "daily readings" books, the original and probably best know one (which is not officially AA approved literature) is "Twenty-Four Hours a Day". It's over 50 years old and a bit too "religious" for some.

There are now (probably) hundreds of others of good quality (in my never humble opinion) ranging in flavour across different sexes and genders (there is a difference!), varieties of addiction and different levels and versions of spirituality.

I can certainly vouch for some of the other Hazelden books (the earlier, simpler ones) from the '80s and '90s as well as a couple of top quality AA approved ones, most notably "Daily Relections" and "As Bill Sees It" (both of which are available from many meetings).

The beauty of these books is twofold:

1. They provide a structure and a focus to the process, usually a reading and a reflection of some sort, often followed by something to focus on for the rest of the day, sometimes in the form of a prayer; and

2. They always seem to be relevant to that day (but I think this is another of God's little tricks - everything spiritual is always relevant to every day!)

If you're anything like me - the topic to focus on seems to disappear about five minutes after I walk out the door - but I still treasure the days (before my sober cup of life filled beyond overflowing) when this was the only way I could have started the day.

I must find time to do this again!!! (Take that as a prayer.)

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PS. Only noticed after I posted this how relevant my previous post (contempt prior to investigation) was to the concluding sentences of this extract:

"Be quick to see where religious people are right. Make use of what they offer."

Contempt prior to investigation

noreply@blogger.com (bpresent) — Sat, 01 Oct 2005 02:17:00 +0000

I've decided to deviate from my current path of a review of the Big Book version of Step 11 and post one of my all time favourite quotes (which I just happened to stumble across yet again).

Like many other quotes in AA literature, it's not from a member of any twelve step programme (the man who it's attributed to died 30 years before Bill W got sober) but has been adopted over the years.

"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance - that principle is contempt prior to investigation."

Herbert Spencer.

Kind of a cock-eyed double negative almost sarcasitic statement (it was stated or written well over a hundred years ago) but once distilled it makes sense to me and rings true of the way I often judged the world until about ten years ago (when I became teachable):

If I choose to live a life where I refuse to open my mind to new ways of thinking and new experiences then I will remain in the same place I am now - nothing will change.

That's how I read it anyway.

The quote is particularly relevant to my life experience of coming to grips with a "God as I understand him" (or do not understand him as the case may be).

It's very easy to prove the non-existence of my old version of God (the guy with the white beard dishing out thunderbolts) - and I never failed to win those arguments.

It was not until I let go of that particular old idea absolutely that I started to see things differently, at first a little and then, later, a lot.

I'm obviously not alone as it is quoted at the end of an appendix to the Big Book Appendix II - Spiritual Experience.

This particular appendix is tucked away right away at the very end of the Big Book, which is kind of a shame. For me (a disillusioned non-believer) it was a great insight... But I guess you get to see these things when the time is ready: "Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake.". But that's the subject for another post.

Be careful what you pray for...

noreply@blogger.com (bpresent) — Mon, 19 Sep 2005 03:38:00 +0000

"We usually conclude the period of meditation with a prayer that we be shown all through the day what our next step is to be, that we be given whatever we need to take care of such problems. We ask especially for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make no request for ourselves only. We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped. We are careful never to pray for our own selfish ends. Many of us have wasted a lot of time doing that and it doesn't work. You can easily see why."

As far as analysis of this paragraph, I'd like to break it in two. The main reason being that the second half has some specific instructions that I have heard others interpret in curious ways and I can see ambiguity in it. More later. The first half is pretty straight forward.

Pretty straight forward if you ask me, and a literal translation of the second half of the step "...praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry it out."

It's kind of a summary of the 3rd and 7th step prayers with the addition of one very important word "only".

"We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped. "

Given that the step says only, I believe this has to mean something simple like:

"Please grant me strength so that I can be of use to others.".

I've heard it interpreted as:

"Please help heal my grandmother.".

I had a sponsor once who suggested that if you tack:

"... if it be thy will ..." you'd be okay.

Hmmm... That doesn't sound like asking for knowledge of God's will to me, no matter how noble the plea may be.

Perhaps an alternative is:

"Please grant my grandmother strength (physical, mental and spiritual) during her long illness.".

"We are careful never to pray for our own selfish ends. Many of us have wasted a lot of time doing that and it doesn't work. You can easily see why."

Not sure about you but I can't easily see why - not from this paragraph at least. Perhaps what is meant here is that we can go out and try it for ourselves (self-seeking prayer) and see what the results are.

My experience has taught me the truth of this statement, with painful consequences - especially when it comes to relationships.

My experience of wishing, praying, willing, orchestrating, manipulating or just a simple innocent "hoping" for something that I think will be good for me, validates the adage:

"Be careful what you pray for, because you might just get it!"

Anger is a dubious luxury

noreply@blogger.com (bpresent) — Sun, 04 Sep 2005 02:59:00 +0000

"What used to be the hunch or the occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind. Being still inexperienced and having just made conscious contact with God, it is not probable that we are going to be inspired at all times. We might pay for this presumption in all sorts of absurd actions and ideas. Nevertheless, we find that our thinking will, as time passes, be more and more on the plane of inspiration. We come to rely upon it."

I like to think of this paragraph and the previous one as being pertinent to every day, all day. Not just "on awakening".

I have found that, on good days, this promise holds true.

That said, my challenge is to know when I am not "inspired".

I've learnt that on the days when I feel most "inspired" I am sometimes at my most dangerous.

I have learnt indeed that "anger is the dubious luxury of normal men that is poison" for me (to completely reword one of me favourite concepts from the Big Book).

While it's true that over time I have felt more in tune with what's going on, more in tune with what's important to me and better able to judge what actions I can take that move me along my path with significantly less destruction and. hopefully at times some assistance to my fellow man, woman, animal and vegetable, there are times when I am still best to consult with a living, breathing human being.

I have learnt that when I am angry, I am rarely "inspired".

There are exceptions - usually I am simply inspired to walk away (not run) - a significant improvement for me.

Once the anger subsides, and much time has passed, then I can sometimes see a little more clearly.

And yes, I have come to rely upon it.

We are often surprised how the right answers come...

noreply@blogger.com (bpresent) — Sat, 20 Aug 2005 07:08:00 +0000

"In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don't struggle. We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried this for a while."

Why does this work?

I believe it works because when I really want to think, when I reckon it's really important that I "think this one through" is when I most need to avoid it. At these times I tend to think in sprials - up and down.

The simple act of asking something outside of myself to help me (corporeal or otherwise), allows me to slow down just that little bit. In the slowing down, more rational thoughts tend to flow.

Like any muscle or organ, sometimes I need to exercise my brain, and, more often than I choose of my own free will, I need to rest it.

I need the discipline of routine to help me relax it (God knows it will happily exercise me to death!)

On awakening...

noreply@blogger.com (bpresent) — Thu, 04 Aug 2005 11:40:00 +0000

"On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use. Our thought-life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives."

I'm not sure about you - but "on awakening" I tend to be racing about getting ready for the day ahead. Sometimes I wonder if those that wrote the Big Book had 9 to 5 jobs.

However, once I'm on the bus to work I do often remember the third step prayer. This has been, over the years, my most consistent form of concious contact with a power greater than myself.

... we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection ...

noreply@blogger.com (bpresent) — Thu, 21 Jul 2005 15:58:00 +0000

"When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? Do we owe an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving toward all? What could we have done better? Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life? But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others. After making our review we ask God's forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken."

Each one of these questions warrants a post in its own right! But not today.

As with most of "the program", step eleven is a step of action and this is an obvious set of instructions and an obivious followup and extension to step ten.

I must admit that I do not follow this set of instructions rigorously!

There are two reasons why I wish I would.

The first is that the practice is always rewarding, even if it is at times harrowing. To be fair it is, as per step ten, something which has, over time, become integrated into my being - I just do it without thinking. That said, a formal review, along with a quiet request for assistance, cannot hurt.

The second, and the one that I need to be reminded of by reading this passage is:

"....we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection...."

This can be a slippery statement for me: What's the difference between "morbid reflection" and "constructive review"? It's easy for me to get stuck in the rut of "analysis paralysis", and risk wallowing in my muck, but then, I can easily run away from review too.

I mentioned in an earlier post that I avoided AA because I had the view that AAers used "God as an anaesthetic." This is one of those statements where I risk this too, although in this case it's the words, not the principle of this step, that I'd be hiding behind.

"Oh no, no, no. I better not review that particular encounter because all I'm doing is morbidly reflecting"

"Hah!" is often the appropriate response, or perhaps at times a more gentle "Well perhaps you could look a little closer just to see where your part in it is." would suffice.

That said, sometimes it's not immediately obvious to me on the day something happens just what has happened. My experience is that it will surface eventually.

The allocation of a space at the end of my day gives it more of a chance to surface when it's ready.

Better men than we are using it constantly

noreply@blogger.com (bpresent) — Mon, 11 Jul 2005 23:47:00 +0000

"Step Eleven suggests prayer and meditation. We shouldn't be shy on this matter of prayer. Better men than we are using it constantly. It works, if we have the proper attitude and work at it. It would be easy to be vague about this matter. Yet, we believe we can make some definite and valuable suggestions."

One sentence in this paragraph defeats all the arguments I brought with me into Alcoholics Anonymous this time around, 8 or so years ago: "Better men than we are using in constantly."

Perhaps some of my story will help highlight this.

My first exposure to the twelve steps was through Alateen shortly before my 17th birthday (29 years ago). My mother had just started going to AA meetings having wound up in court on a drink-driving charge. (She remains a member to this day - hence AA has always been in my life since then to some degree.)

Around this time I started smoking dope. No-one can remember the exact sequence of events but I do know that I stopped going to Alateen because I felt like a fraud due to the fact that I was smoking dope. (I did not start regular drinking until I was about 19 - once I’d left home.)

I was the kind of teenager (and adult) that has always been searching - not via self help books but via experience. This, I believed, held me in good stead. I had no idea (until recently) just how inexperienced I was a result of chronic alcohol and other drug use. I had gained some basic living and coping skills but I had not experienced most of what was on offer in life.

I remained employed, avoided the police, had the occasional half-decent relationship, and only wound up in intensive care once (from a serious head injury which occurred in a blackout - which I rationalised as being as a result of the complete absence of lighting in the concrete fire stairs that I fell down).

As far as I was concerned I was, by and large, "manageable".

All of this engendered an arrogance against many things including (of course) God.

Eleven years after Alateen (I was almost 29) I wound up in a non-spiritual rehab on the other side of the world from where I grew up. Here I was introduced to myself, albeit briefly. Once the 28 days were up, and I was told that contact other than our weekly follow up meetings was discouraged, I knew I could not do this on my own so I ventured to AA as a fully fledged candidate. I only stayed around for about two months - until I returned to my home country and my predominantly daily dope smoking, occasional binge drinking friends. I went to a few meetings but, again, I was uncomfortable smoking dope and attending meetings. In short, I did not want to give up, so AA was out.

I didn’t drink for almost four years and I even stopped the dope smoking after about 2 years without assistance (although I did spend a fair bit of time with a Jungian psychiatrist working on "issues").

The arrogance grew.

By the time I got to AA the second time around, this time around aged 39, after another five years of "research", so close to being unemployed and too fearful to look for another job (ie. unemployable), I had had it.

I was still full of my well-honed arrogance. I had always seen reliance on a "higher power" as being a weakness. I considered those in AA to be using a higher power as a sedative (and, to be honest, I still believe I see this is in some people - my arrogance is alive and kicking at times!).

But... I was at least ready to admit that the AAers I’d met previously seemed to be enjoying life more than I was - despite their apparent weaknesses and I had got to the point where all my alternatives were less attractive.

The sparkle in their eyes was not really what I wanted - they seemed naïve and close to playing tambourines to me, whistling in the dark - but what they had was at least a bit better than what I had, and perhaps I could learn something from them and then go on my merry way.

They were "better men" than me and they were using something that I did not have access to - and I wanted to find out a little bit more.

To this day I still use this as a measure of something’s worth to me. If someone is doing something in recovery that I can see makes them happier and/or "real-er" than I feel, I have to take a closer look and give it a go.

Prayer is one of those things.

Next "When we retire at night..."

Review of Step Eleven as found in the Big Book

noreply@blogger.com (bpresent) — Mon, 11 Jul 2005 05:37:00 +0000

Over the next few months I plan to take one paragraph at a time from the "Big Book" directly related to the eleventh step and share some thoughts (not necessarily mine) on each.

The section in the "Big Book" can be found towards the end of Chapter 6.

Next "Better men than we are using it constantly"

... listen to the words ...

noreply@blogger.com (bpresent) — Sat, 02 Jul 2005 08:04:00 +0000

While praying, listen to the words very carefully.

When your heart is attentive, your entire being enters your prayer without your having to force it.

Rebbe Nachman of Breslov

Select Pearls

noreply@blogger.com (bpresent) — Fri, 01 Jul 2005 09:16:00 +0000

Man is wise only while in search of wisdom;
when he imagines he has attained it,
he is a fool.

Ibn Gabirol, "Mibhar HaPeninim" (Select Pearls)

Every thought of God is prayer

noreply@blogger.com (bpresent) — Tue, 07 Jun 2005 11:52:00 +0000

Every thought of God is prayer.

Holy, true and honest purposes are prayer.

Earnest thought, search without vanity is prayer.

Rahel Levin Varnhagen, letter to Count Custine, 1817

Love and Faith

noreply@blogger.com (bpresent) — Fri, 27 May 2005 23:31:00 +0000

You are not poor if you love something, someone, humanity maybe,
and have faith that you will somewhere, sometime be satisfied,
though you know not how.

You may even feel that your sorrow is but a school to teach you the virtues of sympathy and gentleness that will avail you hereafter,
though you know not where.

I am not always on the highway that leads to this hilltop,
but I have seen the lighted road stretching on and on;
sometimes I have even fancied that I saw the windows of the castle all aglow.

And I have hastened my steps to be in time for the feast,
and taken counsel of my courage lest I falter and fall on the way.

May I keep this vision of the castle ever before my eyes,
and a belief in my heart that the journey is worth while,
and the castle and the glow in the windows not all illusion.

This, and other poems by Max Ehrmann,
are available in the book
The Desiderata of Happiness :
A Collection of Philosophical Poems

Knowledge of God's Will?

noreply@blogger.com (bpresent) — Fri, 20 May 2005 03:59:00 +0000

Firstly, to give you a perspective of where I'm coming from, I have never known what God's will is for me, and I suspect that I will never know. Not for sure anyway.

I guess it depends on your definition of the word "knowledge". For me there are a few different forms of knowledge.

As a child and as a young adult, I was taught to believe that knowledge was something I had in my head, in my brain. Today (as a 40-something year old) I still see and hear that basic assumption - that knowledge is "mental".

As someone who has been exposed to different schools of thought including, but not limited to: different 12 step programs; the people in them (who may or may not practice the principals of those programs); the "scientific method"; other spiritual practices, such as Satyananda style yoga and meditation (which I have lately let lapse through laziness), and walking around the block; I now believe in other forms of knowledge.

In fact, these days I regard anything that comes out of my brain as being highly suspicious and worth scrutinising.

Step 11 states "praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out". That statement implies that I can gain knowledge of God's will. If that's true, and if I'm suspicious of what comes out of my brain, what indicators do I have that have indeed gained "knowledge of God's will"?

Certainly there are times when I feel very strongly that something I am doing is the right thing to be doing. But my experience tells me that's no guarantee.

There are also times when some opportunity appears out of nowhere, and I follow that path and I realise a number of things. Firstly, that I would never have chosen this path knowingly. Secondly that it is such a fantastic path to be on there's a high likelihood that I have somehow magically been graced with an inner "knowledge of God's will for me and the power to carry that out" without actually knowing anything in my head.

Again, that's no guarantee but I suspect that's as good as I'm going to get (one day at a time so far anyway), and I might add, I'm pretty happy with it!

The Serenity Prayer

noreply@blogger.com (bpresent) — Wed, 29 Sep 2004 08:03:00 +0000

God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change...

Courage to change the things I can,

and Wisdom to know the difference.

Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi

noreply@blogger.com (bpresent) — Wed, 29 Sep 2004 08:02:00 +0000

The Prayer of St.Francis of Assisi is affectionately known as The Eleventh Step Prayer as it appears in the book "12 Steps and 12 Traditions" in the reading for the eleventh step.

According to this website dedicated to St.Francis, this prayer was almost certainly not written by him. It apparently dates from the early part of the 20th century, and its author is unknown. It was found in Normandy in 1915, written on the back of a holy card of St. Francis. The version that follows is from the "12 and 12" and differs from the original.

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace!

That where there is hatred,
I may bring love.

That where there is wrong,
I may bring the spirit of forgiveness.

That where there is discord,
I may bring harmony.

That where there is error,
I may bring truth.

That where there is doubt,
I may bring faith.

That where there is despair,
I may bring hope.

That where there are shadows,
I may bring light.

That where there is sadness,
I may bring joy.

Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort,
than to be comforted.

To understand,
than to be understood.

To love,
than to be loved.

For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.

It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.

7th Step Prayer

noreply@blogger.com (bpresent) — Wed, 29 Sep 2004 08:01:00 +0000

...Are we now ready to let God remove from us all the things which we have admitted are objectionable? Can He now take them all, everyone? If we still cling to something we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing.

When ready, we say something like this: "My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen." We have then completed Step Seven.

Now we need more action, without which we find that "Faith without works is dead."

[Found on page 76 of the Big Book.]

Third Step Prayer (alternate)

noreply@blogger.com (bpresent) — Fri, 24 Sep 2004 04:54:00 +0000

Following is a less St.James biblical version of the third step prayer

I offer myself to you,

To build with me
and to do with me
as you will.

Relieve me of the bondage of self,
that I may better do your will.

Take away my difficulties,
so that victory over them
may bear witness to those I would help
of your power, your love, and your way of life.

May I do your will always.

3rd Step Prayer

noreply@blogger.com (bpresent) — Thu, 23 Sep 2004 08:00:00 +0000

We were now at Step Three. Many of us said to our Maker, as we understood Him: "God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" We thought well before taking this step making sure we were ready; that we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to Him.

We found it very desirable to take this spiritual step with an understanding person, such as our wife, best friend or spiritual adviser. But it is better to meet God alone than with one who might misunderstand. The wording was, of course, quite optional so long as we expressed the idea, voicing it without reservation. This was only a beginning, though if honestly and humbly made, an effect, sometimes a very great one, was felt at once.

[Found on page 63 of the Big Book.]