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Handing over...
At some point each and every day, I hand my will and my life over to a power greater than myself.
On bad days it is when I am at last wrestled into sleep.
Life is a privilege not a right
Normal people wont relate to this... but anyway... One of the most amazing things I have learnt in the last few years (in my 40s mind you) is that it's okay not to want to do something.
I seem to have grown up (or not) believing that when there was something I didn't want to do, such as clean the house or wash sheets etc, there was something wrong with me if I didn't get some sense of satisfaction from doing it.
I have learnt that it's okay to not want to do stuff - and I've learnt to just do it anyway.
It works - it really does
"As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day "Thy will be done." We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.
"It works - it really does.
"We alcoholics are undisciplined. So we let God discipline us in the simple way we have just outlined." On reading this I was reminded of something I've heard about prayer in AA many times. That is, that it's okay to pray for something specific so long as you tack on the back "...if it be Thy will." That has never fit very well with me. Put simply, I don't trust myself - not in that sense anyway. I suspect that if do pray for something specific I have an agenda that, regardless of how nobly I want to package it, I will still try to get a certain outcome. Anyway, look for the similarities not the differences.... and stop taking other's inventories.... On a more positive footing and back on the subject, I don't necessarily practice this concisously. I do, however, often say The Serenity Prayer, a 3rd Step Prayer or simply sigh and/or count to ten. Of course I do not do this perfectly in all circumstances by a long shot. But when I do the rewards are as stated: mor efficient, more energy (less being wasted on resentment) etc. "Carrying a resentment is like drinking poison, hoping my enemy will die."
If circumstances warrant...
"If circumstances warrant, we ask our wives or friends to join us in morning meditation. If we belong to a religious denomination which requires a definite morning devotion, we attend to that also. If not members of religious bodies, we sometimes select and memorize a few set prayers which emphasize the principles we have been discussing. There are many helpful books also. Suggestions about these may be obtained from one's priest, minister, or rabbi. Be quick to see where religious people are right. Make use of what they offer." Pass. I have a two year old son and I work 9 to 5 - I reckon that qualifies me at the moment as being one whose cicumstances generally do no warrant. I also do not belong to a religious denomination. However, I have memorised a few set prayers, one in particular which, for me anyway, emphasises "the principles we have been discussing", the 3rd step prayer. Not to mention the catch all phrase (sometimes said in exasperation) "They Will Not Mine" I guess another point worth noting: "There are many helpful books also." This is probably truer today than it was when this was written. There are a wealth of "daily readings" books, the original and probably best know one (which is not officially AA approved literature) is " Twenty-Four Hours a Day". It's over 50 years old and a bit too "religious" for some. There are now (probably) hundreds of others of good quality (in my never humble opinion) ranging in flavour across different sexes and genders (there is a difference!), varieties of addiction and different levels and versions of spirituality. I can certainly vouch for some of the other Hazelden books (the earlier, simpler ones) from the '80s and '90s as well as a couple of top quality AA approved ones, most notably "Daily Relections" and "As Bill Sees It" (both of which are available from many meetings). The beauty of these books is twofold: 1. They provide a structure and a focus to the process, usually a reading and a reflection of some sort, often followed by something to focus on for the rest of the day, sometimes in the form of a prayer; and 2. They always seem to be relevant to that day (but I think this is another of God's little tricks - everything spiritual is always relevant to every day!) If you're anything like me - the topic to focus on seems to disappear about five minutes after I walk out the door - but I still treasure the days (before my sober cup of life filled beyond overflowing) when this was the only way I could have started the day. I must find time to do this again!!! (Take that as a prayer.) *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PS. Only noticed after I posted this how relevant my previous post (contempt prior to investigation) was to the concluding sentences of this extract: "Be quick to see where religious people are right. Make use of what they offer."
Contempt prior to investigation
I've decided to deviate from my current path of a review of the Big Book version of Step 11 and post one of my all time favourite quotes (which I just happened to stumble across yet again). Like many other quotes in AA literature, it's not from a member of any twelve step programme (the man who it's attributed to died 30 years before Bill W got sober) but has been adopted over the years. "There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance - that principle is contempt prior to investigation." Kind of a cock-eyed double negative almost sarcasitic statement (it was stated or written well over a hundred years ago) but once distilled it makes sense to me and rings true of the way I often judged the world until about ten years ago (when I became teachable): If I choose to live a life where I refuse to open my mind to new ways of thinking and new experiences then I will remain in the same place I am now - nothing will change. That's how I read it anyway. The quote is particularly relevant to my life experience of coming to grips with a "God as I understand him" (or do not understand him as the case may be). It's very easy to prove the non-existence of my old version of God (the guy with the white beard dishing out thunderbolts) - and I never failed to win those arguments. It was not until I let go of that particular old idea absolutely that I started to see things differently, at first a little and then, later, a lot. This particular appendix is tucked away right away at the very end of the Big Book, which is kind of a shame. For me (a disillusioned non-believer) it was a great insight... But I guess you get to see these things when the time is ready: "Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake.". But that's the subject for another post.
Be careful what you pray for...
"We usually conclude the period of meditation with a prayer that we be shown all through the day what our next step is to be, that we be given whatever we need to take care of such problems. We ask especially for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make no request for ourselves only. We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped. We are careful never to pray for our own selfish ends. Many of us have wasted a lot of time doing that and it doesn't work. You can easily see why." As far as analysis of this paragraph, I'd like to break it in two. The main reason being that the second half has some specific instructions that I have heard others interpret in curious ways and I can see ambiguity in it. More later. The first half is pretty straight forward. "We usually conclude the period of meditation with a prayer that we be shown all through the day what our next step is to be, that we be given whatever we need to take care of such problems. We ask especially for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make no request for ourselves only." Pretty straight forward if you ask me, and a literal translation of the second half of the step "...praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry it out." It's kind of a summary of the 3rd and 7th step prayers with the addition of one very important word "only". "We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped. " Given that the step says only, I believe this has to mean something simple like: "Please grant me strength so that I can be of use to others.". I've heard it interpreted as: "Please help heal my grandmother.". I had a sponsor once who suggested that if you tack: "... if it be thy will ..." you'd be okay. Hmmm... That doesn't sound like asking for knowledge of God's will to me, no matter how noble the plea may be. Perhaps an alternative is: "Please grant my grandmother strength (physical, mental and spiritual) during her long illness.". "We are careful never to pray for our own selfish ends. Many of us have wasted a lot of time doing that and it doesn't work. You can easily see why." Not sure about you but I can't easily see why - not from this paragraph at least. Perhaps what is meant here is that we can go out and try it for ourselves (self-seeking prayer) and see what the results are. My experience has taught me the truth of this statement, with painful consequences - especially when it comes to relationships. My experience of wishing, praying, willing, orchestrating, manipulating or just a simple innocent "hoping" for something that I think will be good for me, validates the adage: "Be careful what you pray for, because you might just get it!"
Anger is a dubious luxury
"What used to be the hunch or the occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind. Being still inexperienced and having just made conscious contact with God, it is not probable that we are going to be inspired at all times. We might pay for this presumption in all sorts of absurd actions and ideas. Nevertheless, we find that our thinking will, as time passes, be more and more on the plane of inspiration. We come to rely upon it." I like to think of this paragraph and the previous one as being pertinent to every day, all day. Not just "on awakening". I have found that, on good days, this promise holds true. That said, my challenge is to know when I am not "inspired". I've learnt that on the days when I feel most "inspired" I am sometimes at my most dangerous. I have learnt indeed that "anger is the dubious luxury of normal men that is poison" for me (to completely reword one of me favourite concepts from the Big Book). While it's true that over time I have felt more in tune with what's going on, more in tune with what's important to me and better able to judge what actions I can take that move me along my path with significantly less destruction and. hopefully at times some assistance to my fellow man, woman, animal and vegetable, there are times when I am still best to consult with a living, breathing human being. I have learnt that when I am angry, I am rarely "inspired". There are exceptions - usually I am simply inspired to walk away (not run) - a significant improvement for me. Once the anger subsides, and much time has passed, then I can sometimes see a little more clearly. And yes, I have come to rely upon it.
We are often surprised how the right answers come...
"In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don't struggle. We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried this for a while." Why does this work? I believe it works because when I really want to think, when I reckon it's really important that I "think this one through" is when I most need to avoid it. At these times I tend to think in sprials - up and down. The simple act of asking something outside of myself to help me (corporeal or otherwise), allows me to slow down just that little bit. In the slowing down, more rational thoughts tend to flow. Like any muscle or organ, sometimes I need to exercise my brain, and, more often than I choose of my own free will, I need to rest it. I need the discipline of routine to help me relax it (God knows it will happily exercise me to death!)
On awakening...
"On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use. Our thought-life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives." I'm not sure about you - but "on awakening" I tend to be racing about getting ready for the day ahead. Sometimes I wonder if those that wrote the Big Book had 9 to 5 jobs. However, once I'm on the bus to work I do often remember the third step prayer. This has been, over the years, my most consistent form of concious contact with a power greater than myself.
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